Alright folks...it's now or never.

Hello kids,

How's it going? So this weekend...sucked. Like MAJOR SUCKAGE. Ok first of all my Mom made me eat EVERYTHING in sight. So I probably gained so much weight this weekend. : ( Ok bad part number dos. I went to a party Saturday night. Got drunk. The hockey guy texted me, long story short I spilled my guts to him about how I still have feelings for him and he never responded. I woke up the next morning not really remembering it and then going back and reading the texts and started balling. I just want to like...die or something. Ok silver lining, if there is one, is that now I am trying so hard to not to feel anything and not to get emotional that I am putting all my energy into school and weight loss. I am now back on the 300 a day diet and burning 2100 calories a day. That will get me down 30 (hopefully) by spring break and then that hockey guy will see me and boy will he be sorry! He liked me when I was heavier, so I wonder what he will think then! My new best friend from now on is caffeine. like BFFL haha. Keeps my hunger away AND keeps me going. DOUBLE BONUS!!!!! Anyway. I hope you all stay strong and stay focused! I am sending you all positive energy! OMG this is a sign from the universe! Just as I was typing this over weight girl sat at a table next to mine with BURGER KING!!! I am sitting here drinking espresso. IT'S A SIGN!!!!!!!! The universe it telling me to stay strong and even giving me an example of why I should stay strong. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!!! How awesome is that? Gotta love it!

FAIL. But I have no one to blame, but myself!

I failed. I failed hard. Like supah hard. Like gruesomely, devastatingly hard. I binged. I binged bad. I realize now that I can not go for very long on 300 calories, not with the workout schedule I am on. I just can't. So I am upping my calorie count to 800. That should give me enough wiggle room not to binge. My mom and sister are coming to visit me this weekend : ). Good news is I am so excited because I love spending time with them and they make me laugh so much. Bad news is I am going to HAVE to eat or my mom gives me that "don't even think about doing something stupid" look. So i just have to be smart about it. Eat when I HAVE to and not when I don't. And when I do have to eat, pick smart choices. It's not going to be easy, but I can do it! The rest of this week is going to be HELL on earth. I have like two papers to write today, a web work, and a SHIT load (pardon my french) of reading. YELP! I didn't get to sleep until like...2 am last night! I was just thinking about weightloss, school work, boys, life, you name it! I was worrying about everything! I couldn't stop! I never do this, but right now I am drinking one of those 20 calorie monster energy drink thingys. I hate these. I NEVER drink them, but desperate times calls for desperate measures!

Hey all you people out there trying to lose weight, let's do this thing! Let's stop talking about it and actually do it. WHY does food control us? It's the stupidest thing ever! It doesn't have a brain, it can't talk, it has no weapons of mass destruction other then it's fat content and calories! Why is this so difficult?? Because we LET it be difficult. We are the reason we can't stop eating. It's all about a conscious effort. THINK people THINK! If you want that cookie, talk yourself out of it or simply ignore what you want! How many times have you sat in class or somewhere looking at someone you have feelings for or a crush on and then NEVER talk to them. You want to. You dream about it. But you don't. Why can't food be the same? Because if you talk to them you having a feeling of a possible embarrassment, rejection, whatever! Ok so let's apply that to food. If we eat the food we know is bad then there is a high likely-hood that we are going to look like pigs in public, that we are going to be a walking embarrassment. Talk about rejection? We will be rejected from society as a whole. It's all about choice, the lesser of the two evils, eat or not eat. I pick not eat. I choose!

oops.

Sorry y'all! I didn't have time yesterday to write another blog for the day. I ended up not eating anything else and working off 2100 calories! Good day! Today all of my classes were cancelled, good thing too because I am starting to get sick. I am feeling kind of nauseous, which I hate feeling. I hate puking, part of the reason I am ANA and not MIA. My new plan (I don't remember if I told you all or not) is to eat 300 cals a day and work off 2100 cals a day. That's a pound a day, legit. Well that plus what my body naturally burns is a pound a day. I still need to work out today. I have been like sleeping all day today instead. Not good, but if I start working out at like...4, I should be done by 10. WOO. haha my life is so crazy right now! I can't even stand it! Oh well. I am just focusing on weight loss and school. That's it!

So far so good.

Ok so I am on the 300 calories a day and working off 1800 calories a day diet. So far so good.

So far I have consumed:

Lara Bar-180 calories

Coffee-0 calories

For dinner I am just going to have some veggies and call it a day! I still need to work out. I over slept this morning and didn't get my two hour walk in like I wanted to, but I thankfully still have time. Thanks for everyone who commented! Words can not express how thankful I am that you commented! It really makes me feel better. I will blog again later tonight. TTYL

Monday mornin' blues.

Hey skinny minis!

So it's Monday morning : ( what a suckarooski day! I hate Mondays! But I just woke up and I have done my ab work out, lunges, and squats. I will eventually make my way down stairs to do my "4-300" calorie work out. I call it my 4-300 work out because I burn 300 on elliptical, 300 on sitting elliptical, 300 on bike, and 300 on treadmill. Then much later today I will go back down stairs and walk for 2 hours on the treadmill. In between work out sessions I am going to get my homework done. I haven't eaten yet today but I feel fine. I am officially trying to get over the hockey player for good. Cuz here is the thing...it's not fair for me and it's an unrealistic fantasy. He lives 4 and a half hours away. He likes another girl. If it's meant to be then it will happen when I come home for the summer. If not then that's fine, but I need to focus on myself, my weight loss, and my school work. Yeah ok so he is perfect and wonderful and attractive and all that good stuff but...it's just not worth my worrying, especially because I can't really do anything where I am right now. So I am lowering my calorie intake by 100. I can only eat 300 a day. Which might just be one meal, but whatever. I have a question, I think I read somewhere that after a few days your appetite goes away. Is that true? God I hope so! Am I crazy for doing this? I need support!!!! I have no one to turn to. No one understands. : (

Aright change in plans.

Ok so I did everything I said I was going to do yesterday and I actually thought I was going to die. No joke. I got no homework done and I just can't have that happening!!! SOOOOO new plan. I will eat at most 400 calories and work off 1200 calories in the gym. That would bring my hopeful weight-loss per week to 5.6. That would get me down to 30 by spring break, so that's what I am going to do. I just know that my no eat days+working out so much was going to eventually cause me to go crazy. This is MUCH more do-able. I have a HUGE math exam today that I am FUHREAKING out over! BLEH!!! I don't want to take this! I just hope I get a B or higher. Send me good energy!

Cross your fingers for me!

Ok so my first no eat thursday is here and so far so good. I haven't eaten anything and I am just waiting for the line to die down in my favorite coffee shop and then I am going to get myself and Americano. I am not eating, but I still need caffeine. I think the hardest part is going to be the exercising. I know I am going to be tired and shaky and really run down by the time I should be getting a work out in, but I need to power through it. If I can do this then I can do anything! The next day where I will be doing this will be Sunday : ) so hopefully I find out that this isn't too too bad so I am not dreading sunday. Something has finally clicked in me that I can do this. Like I really can. What I am secretly really worried about is even if I do lose this weight that I still won't look good, that my legs will still be junky : (. Like what if this is the way my bones are? What if these big bulky muscles won't go away? What if after all this hard work I am still not happy? Those are my biggest fears. What if this isn't good enough? All the sacrifices, all the hunger pains, fending off these awful cravings, not eating anything I want, exercising until I feel light headed, it's all for nothing? This is what is always in the back of my head. I hate it!!!!!! But I guess I will never know until I try right? So I might as well go for it. Send me positive energy!