Aright change in plans.

Ok so I did everything I said I was going to do yesterday and I actually thought I was going to die. No joke. I got no homework done and I just can't have that happening!!! SOOOOO new plan. I will eat at most 400 calories and work off 1200 calories in the gym. That would bring my hopeful weight-loss per week to 5.6. That would get me down to 30 by spring break, so that's what I am going to do. I just know that my no eat days+working out so much was going to eventually cause me to go crazy. This is MUCH more do-able. I have a HUGE math exam today that I am FUHREAKING out over! BLEH!!! I don't want to take this! I just hope I get a B or higher. Send me good energy!

Cross your fingers for me!

Ok so my first no eat thursday is here and so far so good. I haven't eaten anything and I am just waiting for the line to die down in my favorite coffee shop and then I am going to get myself and Americano. I am not eating, but I still need caffeine. I think the hardest part is going to be the exercising. I know I am going to be tired and shaky and really run down by the time I should be getting a work out in, but I need to power through it. If I can do this then I can do anything! The next day where I will be doing this will be Sunday : ) so hopefully I find out that this isn't too too bad so I am not dreading sunday. Something has finally clicked in me that I can do this. Like I really can. What I am secretly really worried about is even if I do lose this weight that I still won't look good, that my legs will still be junky : (. Like what if this is the way my bones are? What if these big bulky muscles won't go away? What if after all this hard work I am still not happy? Those are my biggest fears. What if this isn't good enough? All the sacrifices, all the hunger pains, fending off these awful cravings, not eating anything I want, exercising until I feel light headed, it's all for nothing? This is what is always in the back of my head. I hate it!!!!!! But I guess I will never know until I try right? So I might as well go for it. Send me positive energy!

MENTALLY PREPARE FOR TOMORROW

Tomorrow is my first no eat thursdays. It's gonna suck. OH WELL!!!! I want to be skinny so...it's the price I pay!

Alright dudets. I am ready to do this. I've got my Americano w/ four shots of espresso and I am ready to start my life of losing this weight. I have four because I did not get to sleep until like...oh 2 am last night. I seriously did homework for like 8 hours, if not more, straight. My eyes feel like they are going to just drop out of my head and onto the floor. They are so dry from just reading a computer screen or a piece of paper for so long. Ugh. But the only thing keeping me going is the hope that today is going to be a good day and the excitement to start losing this weight. I LOVE this control. I love love love love love love love it. Is that weird? Probably, but who cares right? I just want to also thank the girls who commented on my last post. First of all you guys gave great advice, but also because it makes me feel like I am not alone. I feel like I am a whale in the sea of little skinny tiny dolphins or some other kind of cool under water creature. You know? It's nice to know there are others like me. More then anything I need support. Most of my life I have always just kind of push a side my feelings for everyone else and have been the back bone for everybody. Everyone leans on me and I love being there for them, but sometimes it's like, who do I get to lean on? And the answer is no one. I have no shoulder to cry on and no one to turn to. I am not even being dramatic. I put on this front that I am strong and happy and my life is wonderful so no one thinks to ask me if I am ok. The few times I have broken down and really needed people they like can't handle it because they don't want to take me out of the "totally fine box" and put me in the "not so fine box". Does that make sense? Anyway, it made my day that people actually read and commented. I can't thank you enough. My first class of the day was cancelled which should be a good thing, but I walked all the way down here! haha whatever at least now I have some strong caffeine. That pretty much makes everything better. Except now I have to wait a long time for my next class : /. But I am going to try and get as much homework done as I possibly can and free up my evening for my 5 hour work out session : ). Positivity! It's my secret weapon! ; )

Oh I need advice. If anyone even reads these...

I don't think anyone actually reads these, but I need advice if anyone does. That hockey player that I think about/have been talking about a lot recently texted me on sunday? No saturday at like midnight and said "look at the moon" and I was like I can't I am in bed and he said "sry I didn't mean to wake you, I just saw the moon and it's really big so I wanted to tell you, go back to sleep, goodnight" like REALLY??? Does he have to be so gosh darn perfect?????!?!?!?!?! I mentioned like oh...a year ago that I LOVE the stars and the moon and what does he do? He randomly texts me after his hockey play off game to look at the moon. SERIOUSLY! God! He saw the moon and decided to text me. lakjsdflkjalksjdf! why does life have to be sooooo cruel sometimes! ANYWHOODLES he has been having kind of a hard time lately with that girl he is in a complicated relationship with and the guys on the team giving him a hard time about being into the musicals and choir and figuring out college or whatever. So I had this card sitting around my dorm room and I decided to write a note on a seperate piece of paper about why he needs to cheer up and then on the card wrote 15 reasons why I think he is awesome. I swear on the moon (haha) that I tried my absolute best to make it as completely friendly, non-flirty, as possible. Like the whole time I used words like "bud", "pal", "bub", ect. The reasons are all about like his humor or like inside jokes, no like "you're perfect" or anything like that. It's just silly. I haven't mailed it yet. Should I or is it weird? I want to do it because it's just something he can look at whenever he gets down or overwhelmed and since I am not home, it's harder to help him. I don't know though! Is it a bad idea??? You also have to keep in mind that we got to know each other in drama and choir, soooo boundaries are a little more blurred then normal society. HELP!!!

New plan for the new month.

Hey dolls!

Ok so I have a new plan. I am going to eat 500 calories a day and still work off 1800 calories a day and not eat on thursdays and sundays. If I stick to this diet then I will be down 40 pounds by spring break!!!!!!!!! Even like 30 by spring break would be...awesome. My spring break is in 40 days, SO that's almost a pound a day, geez louise! It's like 6.8 pounds a week. That's if I stick to my diet strictly and really do this. I can't fail anymore. I can't keep giving up and saying "I will start tomorrow", it hurts my heart every time I do that. If you have ever failed a diet you know what I mean. That feeling of like oh shit great I hate myself. It's so much self loathing. It's not good. I am sick of laying in my bed and concocting a new plan and dreaming of looking skinny and gorgeous. I want to finally be those things! I need to be those things! It's my time to shine. I let everyone else shine in high school and now it's my time. My number one priority now is me, myself, and I. I come first. My happiness, wellness, and weight come first. I should be the god damn center of my own fricken life! MY TIME!

Ok new month, new me.

It's February 1st! I can't even believe it. I only have like a month and a half to lose at least 30 pounds. But I think I can do it. I haven't weighed myself at all this entire time I have been back, but I am guessing I have lost at least five pounds. That would be my guess. But anyway, I feel strong and in control, a feeling that I have been desperately needing this weekend. My life is a shit show right now. Well the parts I can't control. My dad is a pathetic loser and I can't keep letting it affect me like it does. I love having control over what I put in my mouth and my school work and most of my life because it makes up for the lack of control in my family life. I can't work out today because I just have WAY too much to do. Like legit. I have been doing homework all day and tonight at 8p.m. I have to go to this review session thing like a mile off campus, should be super fun walking to that...haha! No it will be fine, nbd, plus it's an extra chance to get some walking in. I walk EVERY where on this huge campus, but it's always good to get some extra. I am so nervous for this huge finite exam though! I hope I do well : / blehhhh. I have eaten really good today, total today should be 380, maybe a little under : ) thats good especially cuz I am not working out. Green tea and coffee(strong) are my bbfls! haha!! No but like for realsies. Oh and these halls defense things!! They are like basically pure sugar (3grams each!), taste good, really sweet, and only 15 cals! Whenever I feel a bit weak or I have a bad craving, pop one of those suckers in my mouth and I am good, plus 100% of daily vitamin C in each, woo! So basically a win-win. I am no longer letting food control my life. NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!