Saturday, January 30, 2010

I am feeling defeated.

I am normally very positive, but I woke up this morning just wanting to rol over and go back to sleep and wake up tomorrow. All I want is some fatty food and to do my homework and guess what? That's exactly what I am going to do! Because I have SOOOOO much homework to do and I don't want to fight my cravings all day long. I realize that this is stupid of me. I should just not eat, but I don't want to fight myself today. I don't have the strength. Tomorrow is a new day.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Hej Hej!!! TGIF!
I can not believe how stinkin happy I am it's Friday. I am so exhausted. This morning I did NOT want to get out of all! Like I legit waited till the last second then peeled myself from my warm soft comfortable bed. But whatever, I got lot's of stuff to do today. I might take a nap when I get back from class though. Right, now I am sitting in starbucks and drinking a red eye(no add-ins) and I hate on of those like dried fruit and nut things. I didn't eat the whole thing, just a little something to keep me going. I love red eyes. I love espresso. Not just how it perks me up, but I love the taste, I love the bitterness. Sorry random. Last night was a bit of a rough one for me because my lovely roomie, who I love to death, was really annoying me. Normally nothing she does can get on my nerves, but last night, IDK she was just really obnoxious. She just kept going on and on about her bf and when she is on the phone with him she is all cutiesy and flirty and baby talks. It drives me nuts!!!!! Well normally it doesn't, but last night it did. I really just think it's because I am jealous and because the hockey player did not text me at all. Which really he doesn't have to, we aren't dating, we are just friends, barely friends even. One thing that I actually really like about myself is I am really good at stepping back and asking myself why I am feeling a certain way and if it is a rational feeling and I am really honest with myself. I don't lie to myself. I think that keeps me from being all caddy and full of drama. I hate girls that are constantly like "woah is me, my life is awful" or they are really good one second and then angry or sad the next. It's like TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF! People seem to think that they are prisoners to their emotions, but it's all about choice. And normally it's those people that have actually never gone through something to really be sad about that are being all stupid. It's the people who have gone through stuff in their lives to appreciate the fact that this is just one day, tomorrow will be a new day, no point sweating the small stuff. I have one friend that's life is never good enough and she is never happy. I just want to shake her sometimes and be like "you're life is not bad! you have it really good actually! stop moping and get your s*** together. You make me not want to be friends you with all your stupid sulking for no reason". She is a drama queen through and through. What's worse is she thinks she is like old for her age and that she is super mature but...haha negative!!!!!! She is the complete opposite. She needs to be back in high school where you learn normal social skills and were you learn how to control yourself. She drives me bananas. But whatever! She is not me. She can do whatever she wants to do or act however she wants to. It just gets frustrating sometimes. In her defense, she is a very caring person and super funny. She just hasn't had that "ah ha!" moment yet. She really is a good person and very pretty. I guess it just takes some people a little longer to figure how how to keep the smile on and not let little things get to them.
On another note, I am looking around the union and I realized that I love it here. Everything is gorgeous and old and historical. It's like I am sitting in a castle having coffee. This is exactly how I wanted my college experience to be. Now if I could just lose the weight, it would be ever more perfect! ha-ha. But no seriously, my life is over all really good, a few puckers in my seam, but over all good. I like to focus on the positive, not the negative. I have done so much growing up in the last year and I am just a straight up better person because of it. I am now so much more positive, I don't judge people, I don't want to change people, I look at people's differences and I love them more for it. I have always been a nice person, but now I am a really nice person and I like myself better for it. I am the kind of person I would want to be friends with and that's all I can really ask for. I put other people first, but I don't mind because I will find someone that puts me first eventually. People trust and love me and love me for who I am and not who I am trying to be and that makes me really really happy.
Weight loss wise, like I said yesterday, today is kind of like re-do day one. So I am just going to take it one day at a time and keep my head up and think positively and oh and laugh. I love to laugh. I find EVERYTHING hilarious. I can find humor in any and every situation. I look for it so I can laugh. People, honesty, laughing, the ocean, stars and the moon are my favorite things in the whole UNIVERSE. Oh this red eye is slowly starting to wake me up, I can feel it! I feel so much more awake which is really good because I will be going to Math soon and...I am gonna need all the caffeine I can get!!!! Omgsh I am so happy it's Friday!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ok so today has not been a good day eating wise at ALLLL!!!!! I am just going to deem today a big fail and start again tomorrow. Which really is no big deal because even if tomorrow was day one then I would be losing like 31 pounds by the time my second eight week class starts and 37 pounds by spring break. So I am basically not beating myself up about it. Today I have just too much on my plate to care about what I put in my mouth. Doing this kind of intense dieting and working out is like a full time job, so if all the other stuff gets too big then everything goes haywire. This should not happen again for this semester, it was just a lot of BIG papers due this week. I just really quickly wanted to talk about friendship right now. I have recently reunited with an old friend who I used to be really close too. Things got kind of crazy when we started getting involved in a boyfriend/girlfriend type things relationship and then when I went to college it all went down hill. I missed him like crazy last semester and then this semester he randomly texted me. I forgot I much I cared about him. I of course still have feelings for him, but who wouldnt? It's not the kind of feelings I would ever act on. But anyway, he is in this complicated relationship with this girl that is bad news, but he doesn't know that yet. I think he would be better off with me, but I don't think he thinks so, so...we will just remain friends. ANYWAY my point is he taught me something super valuable yesterday, we were talking about our issues and stuff and how he wants me to lean on him and I want him to lean on me and whatever and he got all "listen missy, you are gonna rely on me and trust me" blah blah which is so funny because he is never controlling, even if he is joking. WHICH is even more funny considering he is an AMAZING hockey player. So we started talking about how he is so passive and not aggressive and I ask him how that relates to like the most violent sport ever and he said that he was one of the softest kids on the ice, and it just goes to show that you can be who you really are and excel at anything. Seriously every day talking with that kid teaches me something. For me he is a mystery and an inspiration. More then anything right now I just want to learn more and more from him and intern become as close if not closer as we were. I miss him so much it hurts. : ( hopefully spring break I will make him breakfast like I used to and we will be back to being the way we used to be. I realize thats got nothing to do with weight, but I just wanted to say that.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ok so QUICK update. I will hopefully do a more extensive one either tomorrow or friday. I have ben SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy I feel like my head is spinning. School is seriously giving me a wooping. I mean I am not doing bad at all, it's just a lot this week, but I am doing every possible thing I can so I overcome this craziness. This being said I have not been able to work out the past two days, BUT I have only consumed 760 calories in the past two days, so each day was 380. SO I think I am OK for not working out, not great, but ok. Ok I HAVE to get back to work.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Alright so it is FREEZING outside. And ICCCCCCYYYYY!!! Like supah icy! I choose to wear like the wrong shoes too. I have a pair of keds and if you have ever worn keds...not super trackable. I was slippin and sliding all over the place. My eyes are so dry and tired from walking into the wind for so long. I worked out yesterday and I worked out this morning before class. I have one more work-out for the day! Almost done! I am sitting in the union across from my favorite coffee shop waiting for the crowd to die down a little. It's that lunch rush right now, but by 1 it normally calms down a bit. I am so far feeling good about everything. I hope this keeps up!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Ok so this weekend was pretty good like eating and working out wise. I didn't get to work out as much as I wanted to because I had SOOO much homework, but oh well. I now have a new plan. Eat 800 calories a day (super easy for me) and work off 900 twice a day. I know I know this is super extreme, but I will honestly stop after spring break. Well not stop stop, I will work out once a day and burn 600 calories a session and eat 1200 calories a day. I am also going to start a weight training class every morning at 8am four days a week, so I will be toning up! I am also taking a fitness and jogging class which meets like 3 times a week or something, but that should be good as well. That's why I don't think I will have to work off more then 600 a day because I will be taking so many work out classes. Probably on the weekend I will increase it a little. Right now I am all about just losing the weight. Once I lose the weight I am going to focus on becoming super toned and eating really healthfully. And of course keeping the weight off! I just want to be skinny. I want to be able to wear anything I want and look amazing. I will never get a bf if I look the way I do. Never. TIME TO CHANGE!!!!!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Alright. Day one. This is it. My motto is that I am going to take this one meal, one stride, one day at a time. This is not going to be easy by any means and I know that there will be times when I want to give up, but I can't. I just can't. For my self I need to prove that I can do this. I need to prove that I can be disciplined and controlled. I need to be strong. Stronger then I have ever been in my entire life. Honestly, if I can do this I can do anything. No joke. Thank goodness I have this blog so I am bitch and moan about this and no one will get annoyed with me : ) My biggest fear right now is failing. I can't fail again. Legit if I fail this then I need to just learn to love my body the way it is. Either that I need to take tiny little baby steps and maybe in a year or so my body will be bangin. I would rather just get this over with now, start 2010 awesome and make it a great year. I want to be skinny for spring break and even skinny for when I go see the spring musical because I want people to be like wow look at her, she is so skinny! I want people to think I came back from college a whole new person because I feel like a new person on the inside, but I want to look like a new person on the outside too. Right now I am sitting in the union waiting to leave to get to my next class. I drinking an americano with no cream or sugar. I just finished a banana and three hard boiled eggs, no yolks, so just egg whites. Total calories are 150 plus or minus like 10 for the banana. I got a lara bar that I am going to snack on all day thats 180 calories. I love lara bars they are reasonable in calories, gluten free, lactose free, vegan, an ALL NATURAL. My bar is apple pie flavored and the ingredients are dates, almonds, unsweetened apples, walnuts, raisins, and cinnamon. THAT'S IT! No preservatives, no chemicals, just real food. I have to admit they taken some getting used to at first and I don't like all the flavors, but a few are really good and thankfully they sell that at random places around campus. Omgsh today I woke up and did not want to get out of bed! I was soo comfortable! But I got out, didn't shower(eww) and threw on some crappy clothes and didn't even put on makeup! I threw my hair in a bun and put a head band on, but it still look awful. I just don't care what I look like today. I got a big, exciting weekend a head of me...psych! This weekend's forecast seems to be homework, working out, cleaning, sleeping. It's gonna get crazy! I just have soooo much homework that needs my 100% focus. Plus, I need to get good work outs in and really it's cold, rainy, gross, who wants to go out anyway? Not me. This is what I figure, if I lose the weight I will have plenty of fun over spring break. Right now this time of zero fun is going to be worth it later when I have SOO much fun. Alright time for M118. Awesome.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

More time to write..

The image to the left is a dress that I hope to wear one day and look HOTT!! Right now I can't wear it. I mean I can...but I look like straight up CRAP! So like I said in my last blog I am only eating 1000 calories a day and burning almost twice that in the gym a day. I am relying on coffee and energy drinks to do this. I am eating only when I am actually hungry, not just a little hungry or kind of hungry and when I do eat it's going to be little tiny bits. I need to learn how much it takes for my body to get full. I tend to just eat and then be like oh now I am full. I don't monitor how much it would actually take make me full. It's not good. If I really follow my plan I should lose around 5 pounds a week. This is going to really really suck, but I know it's going to be sooooooooooooooooo worth it. This might seem extreme, but I promise myself that as soon as I lose these 30 pounds I am going to slow down a lot to lose the last 15 to 20 pounds. I need to be skinny. I need it. I am sick of complaining and being like a stupid girl and being like "omg I am so fat" I am DONE, it's time I seriously do something drastic about it. You know what? What is SOOO wrong about being controlling about what you eat? Why does our society who is all a bunch of FATSOOS say that people that eat EXTREMELY healthy are not normal and dangerous to their health. I am not going to be anorexic, I am just going to be controlled. Yeah I am probably going to bitch and moan about it, but if I didn't then that really would be wierd. My goal is to lose 45 pounds and get a 3.8 GPA this semester. Send me good energy!
Well since no one is going to read this except maybe vron, I guess I can make this really real. Tomorrow begins day one of my crazy nazi diet/workout plan. I am eating 1000 calories a day and working off 1600 calories a day in two a day work out sessions. Yes I know I know this is on the verge of anorexia. I get it! But here is the thing...I don't care. I am eating, it's not like I am not. I am just making those 1000 calories go a really long way. I am eating nutrient dense foods like fruits and vegetables and super duper lean protein like egg whites. This whole thing is a billion times easier then the normal person because I am lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, and an ovo-vegetarian. In my blogs I am going to talk about obviously how this whole losing weight thing is going, school, life, thoughts ect. It's going to be all about me (yikes!). We'll see how this goes...